The form of pure torture,
is sliding down my cheek.
It is the only thing that I can recognize,
from the last few weeks.
I can't spell your name right,
but I'm in love with you.
I can still feel you holding me tight,
but I will avoid the awful truth...
You don't love me anymore.
I'm not perfect,
but you loved that about me.
Am I overreacting?
Or am I too blind to see....
That you still don't love me.
So here is this single tear.
I found it sliding down my cheek.
There will be another one,
every single day,
of every single week.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
This poem was kind of cool ^^ I liked the idea. I think the rhyming got in the way in the meaning of the poem though. Poems aren't all about rhymes, it's about the meaning behind the words, the big picture. You're also just telling the reader. Show and not tell. Use imagery and have us use our senses so we feel what you feel.
Overall, pretty good. Just add a little more depth and I think you'll be good.
~Shina
I am glad I can comment once again on your poems.
Okay lets get started!
Pretty much all your poems are good, but to be honest with you I think you need to get on a higher level now! What I mean is that I think you need to start changing your theme and plots of your poems. If you still don't get what I mean I will have to be a little bit more harsh on you (I am sorry).
1) I think you write to much sad love poems. Maybe you should start something new like nature, fairy tales, morals and justice.
2) I actually went through your old poems couple days ago for example the "Queen of Ice" I think. That was a really beautiful poem. Maybe you should read it again and try to write these types of poems.
Anyways It's your choice you get to decide (not me) what you will write. If you want to continue to write poems like this you can, but don't forget I still like all your poems!
I will give you a star.
The beginning is like looking at a stone in the river - smooth and natural, but too plain to be of any significance. The entire stanza was about one image, your tears over your love. Normally, this could be a good thing, but in your case the last two lines seem to me like whining rather than actual self-actualization or at least an attempt to introspect. Change that third line to something that tells us why it's important that the tear is the only thing you recognize. Give us some poetic elaboration.
The first line of this section unnerved my understanding. Are you trying to make some kind of point by claiming that you can't spell his name? I mean, why talk about that if you won't expand on it later? Take out the first line entirely and start the stanza with the second line ("but I'm in love with you).
Still? What, are you surprised? If so, then show us between the beginning of the poem and this point. Right now, it appears as if you've skipped an essential part of this story by implying that you tried somehow to win his love, maybe waited in vain for him to show up at a bus stop, and were rejected. Make that clear.
The last section is a little emo, but considering the mistakes above, it's the least you should be worrying about. Right now, I suggest leaving this part alone, as it does work, regardless of how odd it sounds to me subjectively because of the sudden emphasis on the tear again without any comparison.
Hope that helped.